Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Remembering: Teen Wolf

So, because Webster's Dictionary has become as close to irrelevant as you can get in the age of Google, I’ll say… Wikipedia’s definition for a Coming of Age Film: "a category for films that portray coming of age themes."

Since that got us nowhere, I had to dig a little deeper.

Wikipedia’s definition for Coming of Age: “a young person's transition from adolescence to adulthood.” Okay, we’re getting somewhere. I feel comfortable saying that Wikipedia defines a Coming of Age Film as, “a category for films that portray a young person's transition from adolescence to adulthood.” There it is. That’s our definition, right?

Cheek's definition for a Coming of Age Film: "a film that portrays a person who wants so desperately to be popular in some way -- becasue he or she wants to hook up with the hot girl or guy that they would never get down with under normal circumstances -- that they will do anything, only they end up pissing off their REAL friends in doing so and then come to the ultimate conclusion that life wasn’t nearly as bad as it seemed before so they go back to their REAL friends, apologize in some weird way without actually apologizing and everything ends up hunky-dorry.”

Which brings us to one of the best “Coming of Age” stories ever told – Teen Wolf. Why do I feel it necessary to talk about this? Well, two reasons:
A) The movie was released 24 years ago this week, and
2) “they”…most of the people in Hollywood don’t deserve to be addressed by their actual names due to some of the incoherent drivel that flows from that place…anyhow, THEY might be remaking this masterpiece. That’s right, re-making it. How dare THEY?! You don’t see me walking into the Louvre and saying, “I don’t know, I think that Monet over there could use some updating. It just isn’t connecting with the young hipsters anymore.”

The movie is fine the way it is and stands alone perfectly. Sure, there was ALLEGEDLY a second film made ("Teen Wolf Too," featuring Jason Bateman as the basketball-wielding, hairy hoopster), but as far as I'm concerned, that movie never happened. You understand? Much like Rocky V, Caddyshack 2, Fletch 2 or the second season of Heroes, That Movie never happened. I see no reason to discuss it further.

Back to the triumphant epic of Scott Howard:First things first, it has a great story: High-schooler Scott Howard is 17 years old (despite being portrayed by 25-year old Michael J. Fox).

His dad owns Howard’s Hardware, a local mom-and-pop supply store. Scott is a basketball player and token-hottie, Pamela Wells , is dating that jerk, Mick, from the local rival, the Dragons. Scott has two best friends, Boof and “Styles.” Boof is, of course, an extremely average looking girl who likes Scott more than Scott likes her. Styles is, of course, “a complete cheeseball” and remind me of a near perfect cross between my friends Fitz and Joe – a party animal who is full of hair-brained schemes.

But the question remains -- what are we going to do to make this film stand out from the crowd? I imagine that it all went down like this:
Writer No. 1: We have to make this one good.
Writer No. 2: We could have him turn into an animal…
Writer No. 2: How about a were-wolf?
Writer No. 1: YES!!!
Writer No. 2: And he could lead his team to the championship as the wolf but then decide to play the last game as himself…but they play as a team and win anyway.
Writer No. 1: HOLY @#$%!!! THIS IS PERFECT!!!

The rest, as they say, is history. But like most things in this world, I feel the need to analyze and, thus, have formulated three simple questions for us to ponder:

-Was there anyone who could have been a better friend in high school than Styles? Anywhere? In the world?
Class-clown, entrepreneur, great dancer, could drive convertibles and delivery trucks with ease…you could make the argument that Ferris Bueller would be better to hang with but not every day is a day off. I often wonder what Ferris was like on an average Wednesday…but that’s another post entirely.

-How could Scott Howard have possibly made the high school's varsity basketball team if he had to jump to get the ball to the rim on a free throw?
He was as terrible as anyone I have ever seen, myself included. That being said, because of one of the key feature of a 1980’s teen movie – the wonderful, action-packed music montage, we get to see just how awesome Scott Howard and the Beavers can be:


It should also be pointed out that the Beavers had 10 points in the first 2 and half quarters…which all came after Chubby drained his bomb after being called a “fat boy” by Mick. I went through and tried to figure it out and I estimate that Scottie led his team in scoring with 20 points in the championship. I’m guessing that he had at least 5 steals and 8 assists. Pretty stellar for a guy who can’t really shoot.

-Are there any rules that are more important to live by than Coach Bobby Finstock's?
1. Always get at least 12 hours sleep.
2. Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.
3. Never go near a lady that has a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

No. Truer words have never been spoken.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Fall of the Ol' Ball Coach

So, I'm about to say something that is not only unlike anything that I have ever said before but that will probably also frighten and, at least, anger most of you...

I feel sorry for Steve Spurrier.

The Evil Genius, who brought us the Fun N' Gun Offense, Gator Pride and the abomination that we call "Rex Grossman," has taken a nose dive. And, yes, I actually feel bad about this. Hear me out, okay?

We all saw the video footage of Spurrier explaining what happened during Tebow-Gate (the now infamous vote that left Tim Tebow NOT being the unanimous choice for Preseason All-SEC Quarterback). The ballot from the University of South Carolina did not vote for Tebow. BLASPHEMY!!!

But this isn't why Spurrier has was his reaction -- he appologized?! This isn't the Steve Spurrier that I have come to know and hate. The Steve Spurrier that I know would have sauntered up to the stage at the SEC meetings, looked down at the members of the media, made a few condescending remarks to them, taken a shot at the University of Georgia, made yet another jab at Peyton Manning and then thrown an assistant or two under the bus on the way out the door.

He's just not controversial anymore. He's lost that swagger that made him a jerk. I'm just not scared of him anymore. Do I worry that South Carolina might beat my team in any given year? Sure. But I don't have that same hatred of Spurrier that we all shared back in the late 90's. It just isn't the same.

I can't even say "I hate him" anymore. I can only embark on the upcoming season with a mild, but healthy, dislike.
So that's what has become of Steve Spurrier. He's reduced himself to becoming almost exactly like my laundry. Sure, I don't want to talk about it but if I ignore it then it's really going to be a burden next week.
Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet ball coach.